Its been weeks since my last entry, not much happened during this time. all i had was work and work and school and school... fun was never really in the picture... the only fun i had was chilling at the local coffeeshop with a friend... lol oh well thats what you get when you start working... youre so tired you dont feel like doing anything... but if you wanted to go shopping or clubing or anything its kinda late by the time youre done with work... so yea...
You know? sometimes is good that you dont have something? i m not making sense huh? lol just let me continue and you know what i mean... bout two years ago i made a trip to Seattle, Washington... and i was totally drawn tothe american lifestyle..i loved the laid back urban city, it had beautiful scenary, people and weather(it was late spring then)...it was cold... either way i loved it... when i came back i wanted so much to live there... it was all i could talk about to people... till a stage that i was kinda hoping i was an American... at the back of my mind i knew it wasnt possible for that to happen... i know myself that i wont cherish that lifestyle if i was an American...lol i might hope to come to Singapore...like they say the grass is always greener on the other side...
Not long after that... my family got this letter from the United States that our application for perment residency has been approved... dumbstrucked, i ask my dad bout it and he said it was sent more than 10 years ago... well we followed up on the matter and with the help of my uncle over there we got our green card... then my dad managed to get my brother to go with him to the US, which was a major mistake... anyway, now... during these past few weeks my dad has been emailing calling bout this re entry permit hes trying to applying it for me cos of NS... and he wants me to go over the moment i finish my last paper... what he doesnt understand is the pressure i m having with my mom... she blames him for ruining my brothers future... and whenever i talk bout going over there, we will start arguing... sigh... i get very frustrated when i knows hes calling... the problem with him is... he thinks everything can be done just by talking... in his emails he will tell me how much he cares... how much hes willing to take my burden... how much he understands how i feel... FUCK YOU!!! you aint me, you dont understand how i feel, being caught between my parents... YES!! on one hand i m avoiding the trip discussion with my mom on the other i really want to get it done... before this matter even came up i was already planning to earn my way there this time... but there wasnt enough... DAD!!! dont you understand its more easier said than done? i m not a rich kid with thousands of dollars at my disposal... nor m i from a happy lil family of four where everyone is supportive and united... seriously, i know i can get things done first thing tomorrow morning... the money you sent will do it, if there is enought of it... i know i can pursuded my mom to pay for the ticket with me chipping in with the few hundered dollars i m left with... right now i m so caught up I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO..AND WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU DO? YEA YOU!!! youre like 10000miles away... what can a two hour call to mom do? you say its hard to get her? FUCKING CRAP.... why dont you call her at home and tell her your plan for me? when you know she is not replying or not getting your email? why do you want to me to tell her? you know jolly well what happens when i talk to her bout it... why dont you be the man since its your idea for this permit? you know where to get the money? i dont to see you be in debt again and most of all not because of me...!!! i really feel like sending this to blog to my dad!!! all i m feeling now is the bitter sourness in my heart.... where did you get this time? borrowed from the bank again? and why you want me to LIE to mom again? when i was a kid, you used to cane me when i lied.. now you want me to lie to mom? i dont get it... are you protecting yourself? are you that selfish? did you bring kangyan there for your own interest? why did i support you bout my brothers future? why didnt i think? why did i go against mom bout it? the things you did really questions me bout your character... you went there but for months you couldnt find a job? i dont believe it!! youve been using the money mom gave you to pay off the debts in singapore... cos you know the cost over there is gonna be low... almost everything is being given to you.... was that what you planned? i know this is all in the past... but seriously youre my dad, i looked up to you as a man of the family... but now? recalling all the things you did...you said and what youre doing now... i cant help but tell myself that my dad is a GOOD FOR NOTHING... problems with you and mom has been going on for a long time... i never understood them, until now... GOD dont you know it takes two hands to clap? its not all her fault... you tell me... would you be calm if you know you have to pay for someones debts which is in the tens of thousands? i know i wont!! i ve seen how much money has been used cos of you!! which kid can tolerate whenever his mother has any bad things to talk bout and its bout his father? remember my last trip? all we could talk bout is mom? how fucked up she is?? that wasnt a happy trip... everyone was asking me bout living there, my mom my life... thinking back bout all these questions really pissed me off... in spite the fact that i love the life there... PEOPLE i dont want to hear bout this anymore... no more shit bout my mom, my dad, my family!!! i swear the next time i will fucking give shit to the person who talks bout this again... if things can be settled so easily i wont be here you fucking shit!!! and lastly do you guys get me when i said sometimes is good that you dont have something? fuck off cos i have nothing to write no more...

♥ 6:11 AM

Its tuesday stayed home and did nothing... ok maybe i finished my most of my DCST quizs... other than that i did nothing... i dunno i didnt feel like doing anything, just wanted to lazy around the house... but its dinner time now its so boring... just sent a msg to Sabrina, see if shes free to meet for dinner or something... oh tell me this is not happening to me... no one calls me, no one msgs me... i m so not the popular one... yea i know the reason i dont call any of my friends... but how? they are so busy with army and stuff... i m not free when they're free...sighs... just gotta make new friends... sigh... wait a second why am i sighing...it only makes me feel worst... hmmm... i gotta find myself a girl or find a goal or something.... i m thinking a girl is not a bad idea...but theres one problem... i dont usually get the girl i go after... ok i lied, i meant i dont ever get the girl... i just cant act normal around them, my brains get screwed up, i say the wrong things, do the wrong things and WAMMM...she thinks i m some psycho and ignores me... but if i dont have feelings for the girl... or maybe i find her very not my type... she usually likes me... this is so unfair... chicks are and always will be my main troubles... are they really that important to me? maybe not... when i have friends i dont think of having a girlfriend..its only when i feel lonely... being single is fine but at times when your friends cant be there for me, i feel really down...no one to talk to, no one to listen to my crap... love is something you cant buy neither will it come when you want it to... its all up to Gods plan for little old me... i once thought of exchanging ten years of my life to be with the girl i like, but its so selfish of me... she might not be happy being with me... now... if i really like a girl and if she doesnt want to choose me, i would give up those ten years to exchange for her happiness even if its with another person... you may not need to be with the girl, just to make her happy... just giving your blessings and hoping that she stays happy with her present love is really good enough...no need to ask for more... guess i ll be spending my the rest of my day alone now...i ll stop here... till next time

♥ 1:56 AM

oh boy i m finally home... i had such a long day, whats worst was i only slept 4 hours last night...lol i m getting old lol lack of sleep can kill me lol shouldnt had gone drinking with my friends the other night... but i could never say no to a friend who was having a bad day...right? he is after all my old friend... but i have to say, that problem he had wasnt really a big deal... he was partly at fault too... he was really blowing things up...anyway we managed to forget bout the matter with two other friends err i think we did... yea friends are cool sometimes, they can also be a slight pain in the ass lol...

♥ 10:23 PM

hey i use to find blogging a waste of time...lol but now i really need a slap on da face!! i think everyone gotta try everything at least once, just to see if you like it or not!! No drugs thou...hmmm i do wanna try some weed one off these days lolz...
i went on friendster a few days ago, havent been on that damn site for a long time lol...oh boy and i went on to search for some old friends...guess what? i found most of them... one of them was Anna Koh lol she was my girlfriend my first actually...seriously i did not know why i wanted to search for her lol...but i did! anyway i havent seen her for like 3 years, i think shes doing fine she seems happy with her current boyfriend...well i do feel happy for her... i dont know... to see her again brought back a lot of memories- good , bad and crazy ones... you know what they say you will never forget your first love, first kiss and your first break-up lol...
shes the first gal that ever made me feel loved... she will say she misses me and i will say it back... whenever we hold hands i will always stroke her hand with my thumb... after a few times she did the same... my first kiss with her was simply wonderful, i dont know how she felt but i think she liked it lol... we had a fight during our month long relationship, i made her cry...i was crap lol then i cried a little too... i think her friend was beside her and he told me to put down the phone and let her settle down... the reason why we broke up? i know the only reason was me... it was nice to feel loved and to love someone back...trust me it was really nice... if i have the chance to go back in time, i will try my best to make her feel happy being with me, even if we were gonna only last for a month... i think back then i wasnt matured enough to handle a relationship, i was still learning...frankly, dating is really a draining activity...it wasnt as romantic as i thought, if you wanna be romantic its gonna be more tiring...you know not many guys are willing to do romantic acts like a lil surprise, flowers and stuff like that... you know? not many guys will open the door or maybe pull out the seat for their girlfriend... girls actually like all these little details to be taken care of...weird i know lol...ok so i kinda neglected her alot i guess i hurt her really bad and she could not take it..yea...i know i m a jerk, but love was really blind i didnt really made much thought bout it i acted purely on feelings... Annaah i really regret the things i did to end our relationship... i m so sorry if i ever hurt you...

♥ 9:08 PM